In sobriety, I have finally learned a little about going through serious grief without falling into drinking, drugging, smoking... I did not even have a coffee. Although, I did eat a tiny chocolate bar and then found out chocolate has caffeine and is made out of MILK... Chocolate. Big surprise! I rarely eat chocolate, never had any in over two years, I did not need to check into that before. I can live without it. I can grieve without it.
Why grieve? What does it mean to be happy? Is life worthwhile? First of all, I doubt one would grieve if they were never close to anyone, did not hope for the future, had no soul! It is human nature to grieve when it is time. Being happy does not mean a smile or a silly grin always pasted to one's face. I should know, that's what L'Heureux means, The Happy. Happiness is that I know the sadness and loss will pass. It always does. Happiness is that I know that someday, maybe not tomorrow or even next week, it will hurt a little less. Life certainly is worthwhile. Good things can and do happen every day.
What good things you ask? You didn't but I actually did. Focusing on one day at a time helps. I almost forgot. Also, I do not have all the answers, sometimes I have none.
I know I have to write. I know I have to keep looking at my plan and see if I am going in the right direction. I know I have to modify the plan at intervals when something is not working anymore. I know that I consistently have to make choices that will not lead to the bottom of a bottle of vodka.
Since the beginning of the sobriety journey this time I have been putting sobriety first or at least a close third. I know there are certain things that I could do that would work better if I tried a different approach. Meditation is one thing that has always been suggested to me and I do it but never yet made it into a habit. Exercise! I often do as little as I can get away with.
Practice, practice, practice. If a person trains and eventually wins a triathlon, then quits training and sits around on their couch for ten years, are they any better off that a person who has mainly sat on their couch since they finished high school? In the short term, probably not, both of their muscles have disuse atrophy. This is where the difference begins, if they both get up and start to work out, the one that has trained in the past will get in shape easier and faster.
Life is like that. Taking up the act of living is easier and easier since the beginning over four years ago when I was first retraining.
I was cleaning out the car today and I found a dollar coin. I met a business owner today and was inspired by their work ethic and restaurants. I found a case for my phone. The scenery was spectacular on the drive. It was a crisp, clear day. I had food to eat. Loved ones to share with. I was sober. I wrote.
It is that first step. And then the second. All I can do is not continually dwell on the negative. I have to move on with my life. Sometimes I think I lose sight of that and let things bring me down. I mean, sure, there will be downer things that happen. Death and loss are one and two.
Nature and the beauty of it all are reasons not to give up. That, and Love.
Just for today.
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| Lisa L'Heureux- Lisa's Sober Blog |
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